Lately I have battle with a new opponent...anxiety. It creeps up on me at inopportune moments in my busy and crazy life and not because I don't know how things go when they go wrong...because I do. I know what it's like for my husband to lose his job and be unemployed for 6 months. I know what it's like to use all our savings in trying to stay afloat. I know what it's like to put my kids on state health insurance. I know what it's like to face my husbands faithfilled prayers with some of my own and still wait and wait and wait and wait.
I know.
And that's why I have anxiety. (plus I am a big-fat sinner!)
What if it happens again? What then?
Well, I really do know these answers...nothing really will happen. Just like when they (the bad news people) tell you bad things happened, the world doesn't shift. Reality isn't altered. You don't see the world in a different light or have a need for special lenses.
Why do I know the answers? Because I have already answered them at the moment of greatest pressure, but the fear of facing that possibility again can be arresting. The idea that anything (ANYTHING) in this day and age can cause the same situation again is scary. The battle comes on strong...because the enemy KNOWS I know about these realities!
No one ever says that once you have been at the point of no return and then you return, you have a hard time facing that place again! NO ONE says these things! (no one says either that mixed in with the fear of it happening again is the simultaneous desire for that oneness that existed briefly with the Lord).
I have to fight at these moments of anxiety, like I never fought in those long passed days of struggle when I WAS actually face to face with homelessness and rejection. I have to pray like I never prayed then; praying to slow my heart rate, to stop the avalanche of emotions, to stave off the thoughts that flood my mind, to control the feelings that overwhelm and cause so much trouble!
And then I wonder.....
Did that happen then so I could grow now?
Did me then.....facing that horrendous time....need that horrible thing to be able to face the fears that try to drive me today?
I could become a casualty in this war with fear. I know that now more than I ever have.
My heart is weak, my fortitude lacking, my foe feels great and I know how loss feels.
I am a coward, faithless, broken and lacking. I have to fight for the things that speak truth and I know giving in would be easier! But I keep on fighting, drawing back from the lies my own experience tries to teach me.
No one ever talks about how life makes living that much harder. But no one really talks about how faith makes living that much sweeter.....I wish my faith were always strong. I wish I could never fight with fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of loss. I wish I only feared God at all times and at all moments...but then again if I did would I really need a Savior?!
7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 8 Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, 9 who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began,10 and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, 11 for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, 12 which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. 13 Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 14 By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you. 2 Tim 1:7-14
No comments:
Post a Comment