From recent and past experiences of following and standing on the truth, I have found that those times when God's leading is crystal clear have been what one might call "big moments", those times have truly been the greatest times for me spiritually, albeit the hardest times and often felt like a valley. Like when I am having to proclaim to many the truths of the gospel, even though it costs me much. When I have had some terrible and very disheartening news and I have known that I MUST cling to His side. Those times when I am not encouraged or spurned on toward bearing with the weight of the gospel. In those moments I have been comforted and buoyed in my heart and life to such an amazing extent I am left breathless by the grace exhibited by my God, even when (at the time) I was basically screaming for a reprieve (convinced of a valley!).
For me I think that my valleys are the very insignificant times. The small triumphs over sin, the tiny wars that occur in my mind and heart every day that I am struggling to turn to the gospel with. My valley is my anonymity, the times where it is just God and me (those are the hardest times to live what I proclaim! The quiet open recesses of my "real" life). Those times reveal, clearly and horrifically, what is really going on inside--and invariably they remind how needy and weak and faithless I really am.
Certain aspects of being a mom can at times be like this. A mom changes lots of diapers, but does anyone see? Does anyone remember? I personally don't want to even contemplate the number of disgusting drawers my mother tidied for me! But then there are those moments when your child is at the park or at a friends house and they fall and bump something and come running to you for comfort. You feel like you are accomplishing something very clearly and you feel pretty confidant. And sometimes you feel like a pretty spectacular momma as you look around at friends and strangers who see you and smile like "ah, it was nuttin'!" That is how I feel spiritually. Some moments are ugly and dirty and I HATE dealing with them but then there are others that are wonderfully satisfying and encouraging (even though at times they are also hard and often many people don't see or acknowledge) those are the times that I look back on with longing.
But doesn't being a believer really count a bit more in those times where no one else is looking but Him? Maybe that's one reason I find it so hard to handle when those times come. Those stripping times, those "am I really like this?" times, those "Oh, wow, you are so selfish!" times! I don't like being anonymous (I mean laid bear before Him weak and naked and needy, without one shred of righteousness--those times I am the most aware of JUST how desperate I really was (and still am) and why He pitied me so much! (Anyone else sense the whole pride or desires to be my own savior), but I also am aware that no one, least of all me knows what character stands inside this shell without these lows.
I want to stand tall in the low times, in the searching of the heart times, in the small things! I know that I can herald Jesus from the roof tops but can I be merciful consistently in my home and especially in my hard relationships? Can I deal with constant anonymity and not crave aprobation from outside sources? That's where the meat and potatoes of my faith is to be found and sadly, I fail most often in the small things. I gossip, I hold grudges, I yell at my kids, I long for compliments, I crave notice from others, I give my husband the silent treatment, I get overwhelmed, I am unforgiving. I want to be more productive in the valley and not just on the mountain, not that the mountain isn't important, its just not usually where the reality of my heart is found or the strength of my Character and faith is formulated. But then again I am learning how seeing the realities of myself really is a means of grace and growth for me. And when I say growth, I don't mean maturity.
I see how often these middle moments of "small" things really are the greatest reminders of the Gospel in my life. I cannot imagine where I would be without these little moments were I really get a glimpse of my own depravity. I could live my whole life on the big moments (and believe me when I say hearing "you have cancer" is a whole heck of a lot easier to hear than "we have no money for groceries"!) and never really see how great my Savior really is!
Maybe someday I will look back at His story in my life and see what I called valley moments really where the peaks!
If we desire our faith to be strengthened, we should not shrink from opportunities where our faith may be tried, and therefore, through trial, be strengthened. --George Mueller
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