Wanting NORMAL

If you aren't already laughing I hope you will imagine five crazy children in one small apartment with two tired parents and a whole lot of sin and struggles and then feel free to laugh....hard!

 You may be thinking like I know the people in the grocery store ALWAYS do, is normal even possible?

And the answer is NO, normal ISN'T possible, but not for the reasons you may imagine. Normal isn't possible because we have been made peculiar. haha! And no, it's not cuz we have so many kiddies!

I have been struggling for two years to regain normal. I admit it, I have striven--been beaten back--and striven even harder to return to the normal that we held before our life was marked unequivocally by difference. 

You see two and a half years ago our life was redefined by God. And when your life is redefined then we inevitable realize our life was never really ours after all.

I know I speak a lot about losing my life. But more than the loss of my life it's the change(s) in my life I face with anxiety. Changes in expectations for the future, changes in security, changes in image, changes in feelings (yes, those have changed too) and even our changes in perception. It has not been easy dealing with all the changes and I have desired to become more "normal". But I recently realized. Change and loss is normal! God never promised a smooth road on the way to heaven!

While listening to a sermon yesterday I was struck again by the statement "Christ laid his life down." It was an action of sacrifice but more than that it was intentional and faith driven. 

So where does that leave me....is my new normal the laying down of the old life and the faithful acquiescence to a new abnormal for the sake of the gospel. And you know that the rub! In my head I am aware of the need to lay my life down willfully for the sake of the gospel, but my emotions and feelings are against the action. I want to lay it all down, but I just cannot bear to part with NORMAL! AK! I am a terrible sinner. But I get it...I must now ask him to change my heart and make me willing and not just cognizant of the desire to lay it all down like he did. 

So we enter a new phase in this abNORMAL life we are living, the phase where I ask to be willing to lay it all down, where being a living sacrifice becomes a prayer and my unyielding emotions are now yielded to the one who rightly deserves the service. I am gonna stop being the warrior who stands on the front lines of the battle and shouts at everyone "Hey, they are trying to kill us! Are we certain this is normal? This doesn't seem right! I don't like this killing field!" While hearing my general behind me saying "What did you expect, soldier?" That is a bygone reality....we hope!

 Faith is going to be an intentional action....performed by Him once again! Because I honestly lack the ability apart from him.