Do you know how much alike we all are? I feel as if I have actually walked your same path. My first two babies were SO different and so opposite in needs and temperament it was hard all the time getting things to work, because it was like starting parenting all over again from scratch. The longer you parent, and the different children you parent, you will learn how much easier it gets to fix things and also how to tell that they are just crying at times to cry! Some babies do just whine! That was one of the biggest things I learned when I was trying to fight for control, because I have fought for control in many ways, it usually changes as my ability to control changes and every time the lesson is deeper and more personal. Corrie ten Boom says something profound that I love "hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open." That one liner is constantly teaching me to let go. I hold on to things so tightly at times I just go crazy, literally, when they are being pulled out. I can see the nails of my hands digging in to grip that which I should not have (except lightly) and the pain it gives when I hold fast instead of letting go and giving everything over to him can be excruciating.
It IS a daily battle. I do not pray with out ceasing! I do not give thanks in everything, in fact I usually whine and grumble! But the biggest lesson I learned from Will's being treated so badly as a pastor was that you are ONLY given enough for today! ONLY FOR ONE DAY! There is freedom in that thought and much love and mercy! Not having to look towards tomorrow is a blessing, but even lately I have struggled with the not knowing, the mystery of the future the insecurity of every following day! That has become my biggest struggle of late.
If you have ever read Orthodoxy by Chesterton he speaks of how "The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it it his head that splits." Now obviously Chesterton is specifically speaking of the atheist and the believer, but the root of the idea is unbelief. The person with faith in God lives in awed passion toward God--in large part--because of the mysteries of God. The unbelieving person crams their head and body SO full with all they feel they MUST know to figure life out that it makes them go nuts! I think this is true for mommas too (at least it's true for me); we want so badly to be good (read perfect) mommas with everything under control, all things nailed down, every body happy and healthy, that when we cram ourselves full of these jobs and expectations that truly are a mystery to us we start to crack up!
Truly it is rooted in faith! We must love Him passionately enough, believe completely enough and trust with enough abandon that He is in control enough to live in joyful thankfulness of Him. Obviously it is HIS job to bring that reality to fruition within us and this is why he prunes us "Every plant that is in Him that bears fruit he prunes that they may bear more fruit" (john 15). This is why in those moments when we are just about to go off like a blast of dynamite (or actually do go off which has happened to me) we are able to see and point to the places that he is pruning. If we don't see these weaknesses then can they ever change? If we are always able to fix every hurt, keep everyone happy and healthy, do everything right, have the most peaceful home imaginable, our kids behave perfectly, never be humbled.....what need have we of our Savior?
Now I am gonna tell you what a wise mother told me several years ago. Your desire for control and "rightness" (or doing things right all the time) is really pride that basically says "I don't need a savior." Have you ever thought "why does god resist the proud?" because in their heart the prideful say "I can do this without you God!" I must admit that I am so full of pride, so full of expectations that are NOT biblical, so discontented with the way things are because I want things the way I think they should be. I read this book at the time about the wife of Richard Baxter by him, it rocked my world. It really made me see myself as I should see myself, as Only before our redemptive savior. Remember there is only one before whom you stand if you are in Christ.
The More we begin seeing ourselves through the cross the more we will be driven to our knees in prayer at opportune moments. The more we look at ourselves through the cross (and by that I mean we see our depravity and the need of His great working and salvation) the more we will be humbled and less likely to "go it alone". Pride, faithlessness, discontent and anger cannot stand in the face of the cross. It cannot. We must learn not just to remember to pray, but we must learn to look at ourselves the way Christ looks at us. Obviously we must look through the cross, unlike HIM who performed the cross because he saw as as we are, weak, feeble, base, wicked, morbid, and pitiful.
Lately, I have been dealing with control issues with Will's job. Thinking to myself "Don't you think Lord I have dealt with enough?! I mean really?! Can't you lighten up now?!" I began reading Job, rather slowly, because I want to get a better perspective on what my life really looks like. I am struck by the voice of Job, the tone of his statements, so very much like things I would say (though obviously the losses I have endured and the rejections have been nothing to his). Job basically recognizes one thing unequivocally and it speaks to me in my weakest moments in motherhood where I can hardly get up off the couch from exhaustion. Job KNOWS God keeps him alive moment by moment. For Job this is cause for resentment, but for me it is cause for humility and thankfulness, because I know I wouldn't be standing without His gracious work in my life and his actually pumping my heart and moving my lungs. It sure makes me remember to pray that God would enable me, keep me breathing, keep my mind sharp so that I can parent at all!
I also need to be reminded often to look through the cross, to see my own depravity and not be drawn away by pride in my own ability. Motherhood is hard, hardest job I could think of, and honestly there are days when I wish I had a job so I could get a break, but I know that this is what He is using to draw me ever nearer to His side, and although it isn't safe, it's good. Constrained by Love, Larissa
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