Footing #1

I wanted to start a series of posts on what has become the reality of my life. Insecurity. I don't say that word lightly and I don't mean it in a spiritual sense. I mean it like I say it. Not-secure. Unknown. I want to explore what living in the world and following Christ have equated to in this life for me (and our family), hopefully it will keep an honest depiction of our life, but also give us a better look at the truths of the gospel as they play out at times so close to our face that we cannot see them as clearly. So here goes nothing!



The Following is a portion of a note I sent to a friend about six months ago....

"Sometimes I think that I am going to wake up and all these trials will just be my imagination, but that isn't His way—we aren’t little dolls which He plays with. I keep reminding myself from Luke 14 "Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." (27-33). But it has been hard for me as I really don't want to keep prodding on much of the time and my strength is very weak. I know I must trust in His sovereignty, but right now I cannot see how this will work together for my good—and I am pretty selfish. I am not saying that I will never see goodness from the continued struggle, just that right now I cannot see this current reality as a blessing.

I want to have something work out for us without a struggle. But I am reminded that my treasure isn't here on earth, but in heaven. I speak often about grace and I cannot learn grace apart from these struggles, but I cannot honestly say I relish this experience and I know I am whining at God, which is even more humbling! I am thankful for learning more about the communities in the poorer areas of many cities (including ours) in America, where many less affluent people live. It has been especially eye opening how much of a target they are for the evil one (watching car loads of JWs canvassing our neighborhood was interesting—to say the least). These things I never knew; I never went to “bad” neighborhoods growing up in my upper middle class environment. Yet in the face of the truths I have found in my own back yard I still desire that things would just be easy.

I am low on hope right now, but I know that just like Romans promises that "5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." So eventually I think I might develop a touch of character and then overflow with Hope. I just feel weak and battered right now; endurance is my current daily mode. And I know more clearly than ever that I have committed my life to Him unlike anything ever. He is coloring every area of my life and it makes things a little hard or more candidly, more than a little hard. I know more than ever what Paul meant when he said "if He is not raised then we are the most to be pitied!" The cost is great, like it was for him, but the reward is unimaginable! I just need to remember my contentment is only always found in Him alone, I just have hard time with that part—the remembering. "

Now I am not talking about suffering/struggling in terms of "aunt Bertha's bunion" as my husband calls physical ailments that many deal with--us included. I am speaking of struggles that derive directly from following Christ. I know that my life is truly a pathetic example of being bold for Him, but I am also confident that there are evidences of place where we were obedient to Him above all else--"drew a line in the sand" as my husband and I speak of it. Those times of sand drawing (some with and without my husband) have often translated to loss for me--monetarily, relationally, comfort wise, etc. But one thing has remained the same...Him. I cannot escape the truths of the gospel and its call on my life and even more than my life--it's call on Larissa (the thing that makes me me). But that doesn't mean I handle struggles well. In fact I am actually a pretty poor handler of struggles, I don't enjoy them, I don't try and chase them, I honestly would like to rid my entire life from struggles, but I also recognize the futility of that pursuit. Every time I try and avoid the cost of the Gospel in my life, something else arises that makes the cost come front and center again.

So then what is the plan of attack? When one is in survival mode, how does one live?

I want to explore the things I have learned in my life over the last several years (or we could go back as far as my sophomore year of college) which have taught me much, but also have offered me little to no security apart from Him. And so Building your house on the Solid Rock has taken on a different meaning than a simple "feeling of security" as in this world I don't "feel" secure.